I’ve been meaning to write a note about this for, well… years.
I’d like to speak from a place of honesty and well meaning. I write this because I have experienced far too many men stepping to me thinking they will win me over with their tactics only to end up compleeeeetely disrespectful, making me feel uncomfortable, vulnerable and pissed the fuck off!! They end up truly showing me just how much they don’t respect or see the true value of WOMAN. I guess it’s kind of impossible to teach in a note, what the value of woman and feminine energy is, but at least I can write about how I’ve felt in these situations and the thoughts that run through my head when encountering disrespectful men. Everytime something happens, I just wonder .. how many more years of this do I have to endure????
I don’t believe that men who step to women in a disrespecting way are the only ones at fault. It’s a larger, systemic factor (that involves sexism, racism, cultural beliefs, economy, politics, religion, etc.) that perpetuates our messed up dating culture. I feel sorry for the men who lack the security/confidence to respect a woman’s mind. If she don’t like you, she don’t like you!!! Leave her alone!! If she isn’t picking up your phone calls, don’t pick up a stick and poke her wid it till she pays attention to you! How the hell is that gonna work in your favour?!?! But like I said, it isn’t entirely their fault. What of the parenting of these men that occurs or lack thereof? What are the barriers that parents face while raising their children, let alone managing their own survival? This is a racial problem, an economic and political problem and comes full circle into the larger discussion on systemic barriers.
But, from my perspective as well, it’s not cool if you approach me 4 times in one night when I’ve said “no” “I’m not interested”, “please leave me alone” each time. And you have the nerve to wait outside the door for me to come out!? What, are you going to do? follow me home or smth!? Somehow my words, the first time, or second or third don’t mean a thing? They hold absolutely NO value? If my words don’t hold value from your perspective, then what of mine DOES? If my vagina holds value to you, you better understand that it is the very place your existence began, that we live in a wombiverse very similar to the one I walk with inbetween my legs and your negative, egotistical aural energy is really detrimental to my spirit and my vagina. so stay the hell away from it.
If you had any idea of what the word RESPECT means then you would respect YOURSELF, and all human beings. You would respect your fellow males, transgendered peoples, transexual peoples and WOMEN! I am not a walking vagina, I am many other things other than a female and I do not think you are just a walking penis. Have some respect.
Giving my friends who I came to the party with the dirty look when you’re trying to keep my attention is definitely an insecure sign… like seriously? If you knew you were as great as you say you are you wouldn’t worry about keeping my attention.
Grabbing my waist, pulling me closer to you, attempting to kiss me or whisper in my ear (this is really personal preference I guess, perhaps depending on a woman’s mood and her history with the guy) is not cool when we’ve just met. Who gave you permission to touch me? and in that way? cus I certainly didn’t. Hollerin at me across the street, on the bus, in the subway station, and saying the most perverted things is nothing new, but equally as angering every single time.
Don’t get me started on groping and feeling up of womanly body parts. It’s happened to me at clubs, bars, pool halls, school, at friend’s house parties. From complete strangers who happen to be walking by to men I used to call my friends, but it has mostly been complete strangers in my life experience.
When these situations occur, I am often left speechless at just how sexist, racist and oppressive their action or comment was. It comes off as me being weak and feeling that it is okay, but it isn’t. I’m a boiling volcano of lava inside, so angry, frustrated and astounded by what just happened to me. It floors me how ignorant they must be to treat me in such ways, it also floors me to realize how much ego and obnoxiousness it requires for them to do things that they’ve just done. These are the thoughts that run through my mind. I often don’t get a chance to teach these men anything, or show them what I really think on the spot. It’s not a skill I have yet developed, to be able to articulate my anger in words on the spot.
Sometimes I wonder if it’s because I look asian? Do men truly follow the stereotype of asian women being passive and won’t react/rebel if they mischieviously try smth stupid? Unfortunately, I have perpetuated the stereotype.. still aint right !!! it never is.
And don’t even beginnnnn to argue that it is my timing, positioning and manner or dress that brings this to me. Because I damn well know that none of those are what cause these situations to happen. The collective ego of human tells us that these are factors.
I’ma really need men to understand that there is feminine and masculine energy in all beings and all around us in this universe. Yes, YOU have feminine energy within you, whether you’re aware of it or not, it is within you. Our society/EGO tells US (all of us humans) that men need to be macho and strong and that feminine energy is weak. I swear to you, from a woman’s perspective - a man that stands up for his female friends and denounces his bro’s sexist comments/actions is a real man, a real human who is not insecure and attempting to save his ego. I find it almost as disrespectful when a man doesn’t do shit when his bro disrespects me right in front of him. If it was two men disrespecting each other, wouldn’t you say something?
All of the experiences I briefly referred to so far have been outside of romantic relationships. It gets way more disrespectful when I speak of my experiences with past partners. I have had my share of emotional, physical and sexual abuse through words, physical altercations and embarrassing facebook statuses. I’m not yet ready to tell the world about those experiences though. I think perhaps it’s the long, heavy, dreary memories of relationships that really fuel the frustration, then when i see spurts of it from strangers on the street - i think, “i reallyyy don’t want to know how they must treat women in their lives”.
But on the topic of relationships, I’ve found that in my past I almost use my partners’ relationships to form new relationships with his friends or with people he encounters. It’s like this urge to communicate, connect and politic with people along my journey of life, wherever I meet them, whatever background they have. So I would use the fact that I am dating that partner to my advantage, because I know they will respect me just because I am his girlfriend. But what if I am single or just in absence of my boyfriend’s presence? What if I want to walk up to a neighbour or someone on a bus and strike a conversation, politic about life, politic about a world issue, or a neighbourhood issue? I’ve tried it. So far, 60-70% of the conversations end up coming to a sexist comment from their mouths and that’s where the conversation stops. Most times, if it’s a male, they end up hitting on me thinking I’m interested in them in a romantic/sexual way just because I start talking to them. —.— OR Whether they are male or female, a comment like “oh well us women don’t like to do that, that’s why we leave it to the men right!??!?!?”, for example, and they simply stop speaking there with a loud laugh. Or some comment that shows me that they really do not believe in the power and capability of women. It’s like the bleaching of skin when people do not believe their skin is beautiful as it is. That’s where I kind of give up and think, “well if they do not see the value of women’s intelligence (i.e. MY intelligence), then why am I bothering”. Maybe that is a pessimistic attitude to simply give up and not attempt to shed some light and drop some knowledge on a pre-existing mentality that they’ve accumulated over their entire lives. Sometimes, it’s daunting to think about and I don’t have the energy. As a result, I walk the streets, ride the buses/subways and enter into rooms where I always have the urge to connect with people, but i refrain, because I remember how 60% of the time, I or my intelligence is not met with the respect that I deserve and it’s really difficult to start a convo about such a deep topic on the bus when they just might need to get off at the next stop. It’s like I can’t be the free woman that I want to be, at least in this society.
All in all,
I don’t want to have to walk around with a screw face on to show you not to mess with me. Enough ppl in Toronto do that and in NYC where I often frequent.
I don’t want to give you attitude just because you say hi to me.
I don’t want to be a bitch even though you live in the next building and ideally, we should be friendly neighbours.
How can I promote community, Self love and love for all beings if I continuously get disrespected? to my face?
How can I BE love and breathe love and walk love if I am being taken advantage of?
How can I show you that you hold the universe inside you? That you hold both feminine and masculine energy within you?
How can I show you that your ego is steering you farther away from understanding?
I want to be able to speak with any being and be respected for my existence and loved as I love them.
I want to be able to strike up a conversation with strangers and be love, show love and be surrounded by love… and respect … and understanding.
So, as a result of all of this, it brings tears to my eyes when I know I have male friends who encourage me, motivate me and stand by me no matter who is around. It brings tears to my eyes that this is so rare (at least in my life) and they don’t even know just how much it means to a woman. It tells me to have faith in humanity when people respect each other’s intelligence, soul and physical presence; i.e. their existence!
I’d like to conclude with a BIG SHOUT OUT to my brothers/friends/homies that I truly cherish and I feel great encouragement, respect and love from. Thank you. You make this city bareable, you make life make sense and you help keep me sane. <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3
To the men who used to not understand, but understand now on this day, big ups to you. And to the men who are at a time in their life where they are learning right now, as you read this, big ups to you too. It’s never too late to understand and enlighten ones Self!